gardock | Let's Play Umineko no Naku Koro ni

Episode 2 Chapter 3 – I Am Not Making This Up

Jessica's gonna be a rock star! But she's waiting on someone who's late...

Wait. Could it be? Is Jessica on the lookout for a certain gentleman caller?

Ostensibly. She's gonna trot out a fake boyfriend to impress her friends. That's... well. It was all Shannon's idea, okay? Non-Furniture Shannon always has a new antic to propose to Jessica. They arranged the whole thing together. So where's Mr. Right, dammit?

Ah, there's the poor sap Shannon coerced into being party to this sitcom episode.

PFFFFFFFFFTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha*cackle**cackle*

NICE COAT BRO

Kanon's not really comfortable, though, seriously. He suspects this whole fake date business is an insidiously transparent scheme by Shannon to hook them up. And by “suspects,” I mean “he is capable of thought at all because it's really fucking obvious.”

Kanon's come down with Bad at Playing a Role Disease, and Jessica's got a bad case of Obnoxious Friends Syndrome.

Jessica deals with her illness, judiciously not letting Kanon watch.

Well! Go find the stage in the gym and have a seat, Kanon.

It's almost time for Jessica's show, she needs to get ready.

Kanon didn't want to be involved with all this, it's cutting massively into his brooding time. All he can do in protest is resolutely be a wallflower.

And maybe tattle to Krauss and Jessica about Jessica being a semi-normal teenager while he's at it. Harrumph.

But gosh does he hate crowds. He wishes Jessica would just perform her song—probably from an opera or something similarly appropriate—and get it over with.

Stop paying attention to him dammit he's FURNITURE

It's time for the show.

Just one more little embarrassment. But hey, he's not just gonna not see Jessica's performance after going to all this trouble.

Jessica's got dreams of being a musician? First Kanon's heard of it. And there's... something a little odd about the costumes she and her bandmates are wearing. Kanon certainly can't place it.

She's got some great stage presence, though. He can't help but admire her as the music begins...

[Yes This Is Actually The Music That Plays: Tsurupettan]

wha

what

i don't

but

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE ON ANY LEVEL

It's not really Kanon's kind of music, but he can't complain about Jessica having her fun. She's a huge hit with the audience at large, too.

Yeah fuck it I have no idea.

Kanon has... well, at least he's gained a newfound appreciation for Jessica as a person.

But that's all.

Later...

Natsuhi was at the festival... in a PTA meeting, not at the concert. It's just as well. She'd probably get pissed. Anachronistic and contradictory pop culture references are beneath Jessica's station.

...Still, one could sense that Jessica's a little bitter about it, if one were paying attention.

Wait WHAT

Oh. Yeah. She also gave this little speech as the student council president... that'd be what Natsuhi would consider worth attending...

Sigh.

She can do her parents proud if she tries. All she has to do is be... not in any way herself.

Well this is awkward.

At least someone she lives with saw it.

She really impressed him more than he can articulate easily.

Jessica takes a moment to complain about his catch phrase, though. She doesn't get it, and she doesn't like it. Being a servant doesn't mean he's not human. He half-heartedly tries to explain that's not really what it means, but the argument dies out.

Jessica thinks Kanon is repressed. Like she would be if she didn't fight it, and take every chance to go out and be herself at school.

Don't start, Kanon.

She recommends he try it. Breaking out of his shell, even if it has to be separate from his duties. Kanon can't help but think it sounds similar to Shannon's talk about not being furniture anymore...

Why don't you try it, Kanon? Or should I call you...

No, I guess I shouldn't.

Because furniture.

Kanon's mad.

You'll never convince him it's even possible for him to be human. So trying to tell him he should make that change because it's so great? What's that accomplishing?

But yelling at Jessica won't make her back down.

She's begging you to try, Kanon.

It's becoming increasingly obvious what this conversation is really about.

There's a reason Kanon was their candidate for Fake Boyfriend.

But Jessica.

As far as Kanon is concerned, he literally can't reciprocate. It's impossible.

Because furniture.

He's... flattered. But the answer is no.

Kanon doesn't love Jessica. The ocean is not blue.

…

Right?

Leave him alone.

If all Beatrice wants is to watch devastating emotional conflict unfold between real people, she can get a TV and watch reality shows like the rest of us.