gardock | Let's Play Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Episode 1 Chapter 12

Episode 1 Chapter 12 – Impenetrable Paper Seal

It's after lunch.

They could skip lunch because they're all too disgusted and scared to have an appetite, anyway, but dammit, Natsuhi is a good hostess, and her guests are going to have three good meals a day come hell or high water or murder mystery.

Kumasawa fusses on Kanon and Genji. Having discovered the bodies, they've had more of a Day than her.

Because of course, this isn't some petty inheritance scheme everyone was killed over. The six sacrifices were chosen by the key. Blaming a murderer for carrying out the ritual of the epitaph would be like blaming a volcano for erupting. It might as well be a force of nature.

After all, magic is real.

Still, shit sucks.

You know, the evidence suggests Natsuhi was almost one of the sacrifices.

Well that's not a very nice thought, Kanon.

BUSTED

Battler is gonna get his answers if he has to get them Batman-style. He just has to drag everybody to the third floor so he can use the windows.

They'll talk.

Oh bull-ass-shit.

None of the servants, who know Rokkenjima better than anyone, are having a hard time discussing this with a straight face. On the contrary, it scares the shit out of them.

Battler operates under the old assumption that Beatrice is a real person, but “witch” is just what they call her for dramatic effect.

Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Kumasawa?

So she's not just a witch, she's a ghost witch. Battler, in only slightly more polite words, asks if they're all high or something.

If Beatrice doesn't like it when people don't believe she exists, Battler is on her shitlist for the next ten thousand years, because hot damn does he ever not believe she exists.

AAAAAAAAAAAAH MARIA'S THE KILLER WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

Wavelength? What is this fuckery?

No, seriously, what wavelength?

EXPLAIN

Apparently, Maria sees and interacts with Beatrice... just about every time she comes to the island. Whether or not you can see the ghost witch's ghosty form all comes down to something decided at birth, an aptitude for the supernatural. Battler has fuckall of it, so he can't see Beatrice at all.

Even if, hypothetically of course,

she were right there in the room.

Battler's been pissing Beatrice ALL the hell off. If he didn't have his Unbelievably Shitty Talisman, god knows what would have happened!

Catchphase alert! Battler's gonna be calling things useless a lot from here on out.

WHOOPS. Battler might not have a shred of dignity, but on pain of what he has that sort of resembles it, no way in hell would magic ever save his life.

Rationality is Battler's warrior moral code. He'll believe in things he doesn't fully understand yet, he'll believe science will make incredible things possible some day. But he will not, ever, believe that something is “impossible to explain.” The hell with magic.

Shut up, Maria.

Back to the parlor.

Everybody seems to have wandered out of it for their own reasons. So much for Natsuhi's leadership. Really, it's just that eleven scared, sad, and angry people stuck in a room together makes for a shitty room to be stuck in. They need to step out occasionally just to feel like they can breathe.

There's that fable again.

Out of Maria's earshot, Battler strikes up a conversation about her. She seems to be back to normal for now, so it probably won't earn him a voodoo doll of himself.

It's not unprecedented, at least...

They philosophize their way off on a great big tangent about childhood and growing periods, but the general gist of it is that Beatrice is Maria's superhero, so when Maria wants to act like a grown-up, she acts like she imagines Beatrice would. That actually makes a lot of sense. It's kind of like she just has a weirder, creepier version of what to a normal kid might be talking in a cowboy accent while playing with a toy gun or something.

“I can't believe you aren't married” HIS FIANCE DIED TODAY YOU DUMB DICK

At any rate, sure, okay. Demonic Maria is just a phase. Yeah...

But she's not the only one who's on about spooky shit. The servants' behavior back in the kitchen leaves a bad taste in Battler's mouth.

So break it down to the most generic level, and there are three possibilities about the culprit: one of them, Human #19, or the witch. The servants all seem totally convinced it's the latter, no matter how absurd.

It's just a superstition. Battler can think of tons of little things people do every day to appease spirits they don't consciously believe in.

Maybe.

Aw, damn, Battler, you're just flippin' chessboards all over the place. Soon you're gonna be spinning the fucking things so fast the pieces fly everywhere. But seriously, let's see.

Of course. This is a Scooby Doo plot where the villain had a pre-not-existing monster to impersonate. Very convenient.

Battler thinks out loud some more. If the culprit were a nineteenth person who wanted to make a big deal of revealing their existence, there shouldn't be this much room for doubt—the way they timed the murders, everyone and their dog has a shakey alibi.

In other words, if the culprit really wanted to convince everyone that they're the witch, they'd try making it look like the crime was impossible for any of the survivors to commit. Preferably, impossible for any human to commit.

He has no idea.

If you hadn't figured it out yet, yeah. The letter wasn't talking about their money.

George's conclusion matches one his mom made earlier. THEY'RE BONED

Well, then, Beatrice's been quite clear about the rules. Let's get cracking on that epitaph!

Instead let's talk about the process of problem solving and how it needs a balance of linear thinking and guesswork!! You may have noticed this but every once in a while Ryukishi needs to take a break from what's going on and bang out an epistemology lecture, it's a very strange and specific compulsion.

Anyway! Natsuhi has opinions about the epitaph thing. For instance, why make the first victims the people who... uh, might maybe have the best chance probably of solving the epitaph perhaps? I wouldn't really think of Krauss as a top candidate... one way or the other, it makes sense that this would be easier than threatening Kinzo, given his strict never-give-a-fuck policy.

Battler has another one of those headaches with pictures. What was it called again... an idea!

This neatly sums up Battler's thought process as a detective. If simple, correct deduction based on the evidence is not possible, make shit up until something sticks. It's exactly like save-scumming in Phoenix Wright so you can present every piece of evidence at every line in the cross-examination. Complete with someone repeatedly beating you with a whip or throwing hot coffee in your face in response.

Well, that could tie in to his earlier thought that maybe Kinzo was supposed to understand the drawing on the shutter door, despite it not being clear how he actually saw it.

Are we surprised Eva doesn't care? Goodness, I hope not.

...Wait, what's she getting at now?

No, Eva, there definitely aren't. Why are you making a big deal of this?

There's no hidden door. Even Nanjo's pretty sure.

[BGM: Fishy Aroma]

Oh no you fucking don't. She cannot be going there.

The first time Natsuhi visited Kinzo's study, when she emerged, Eva laid a trap.

She stuck a piece of paper between the doors as they closed, getting it nice and snug in there. So... what?

…

It's true. Eva watched the receipt fall out from between the doors when she and Natsuhi went to try and talk to Kinzo. Which proves that between Natsuhi's visit with him alone and his disappearance... the door didn't open at all. The only door.

Of course, it's easily possible that the receipt could be replaced. But how likely? Most people would see a bit of trash on the floor, wonder who's littering indoors, and pitch it. There's no reason someone would immediately understand Eva's trap and reset it.

Natsuhi, you discovered dead bodies shortly after the “red paint” on your door. It wasn't a fucking prank, lady.

The point is. Natsuhi was the last person to see Kinzo. There's evidence that nobody somehow entered the room after her and that Kinzo didn't leave. He's gone missing in the middle of a murder mystery.

She's being accused.

Speak for yourself, Hideyoshi, I think it's clear that Eva wants to suspect her.

Circumstances considered, this is more than a low blow.

WHY THE EXTENDED PSYCHOLOGICAL ATTACK ON THE PERSON HOLDING THE GUN, EVA

LOOK WHAT YOU DID

[BGM: nighteyes]

Not giving a fuck.

Eva has a gun pointed at her by someone who's hysterical and she absolutely refuses to do anything other than continue escalating tensions. I'm kind of torn between respect and bafflement.

The situation is going completely out of control!

So everybody shut the fuck up.

[BGM: Core]

Battler's got one problem. This whole receipt strategy of Eva's... it kind of sucks.

See, of course nobody could have used the door between Natsuhi's solo visit and Natsuhi and Eva discovering that Kinzo is missing. And of course there's no way other than using the door that Kinzo could have left. And Battler thinks it's more likely that Kinzo staged a daring escape than that he was killed in the study.

So aren't they being a little hasty assuming he left in that timeframe?

They didn't exactly comb the entire study for him. They just stepped through the door, looked around and called his name. If Kinzo wanted to escape his study for some reason, hiding long enough to let everyone think he had mysteriously disappeared before leaving would be perfectly easy. He left after Eva's trap was sprung.

Eva raises a good point. Why the fuck???

But hey, Battler never claimed he was going to conclusively prove Natsuhi's innocence. Just that there's still plenty of reasonable doubt. In a situation this dire, pointing at someone and calling murderer when you only have half the facts is inexcusable. By Eva's logic, anybody with an imperfect alibi is guilty until proven innocent, especially herself and her husband.

Not even her son is on her side. Eva has been shut down.

All this indignation on her mom's behalf gives Jessica an asthma attack, though. It's not the first condition you'd expect her to have, considering she's pretty athletic.

On the bright side, it brings the whole logical battle royale crashing to a halt.

Battler may have used Eva's high-tier suspiciousness against her to make her back down, but he doesn't want to suspect her anymore than he wants to suspect Natsuhi. He can't accept that any member of his family or their loyal servants can be the culprit. Or Nanjo. He's kind of lumped in with the servants despite not being one, what can you do.

Point is, how about everybody stops being at each other's throats and tries to get some rest. The police will handle it. For sure.