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Let's Play Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Episode 1 Tea Parties
Episode 1 Tea Party – Seriously Though, Guys, Magic is Fake
Man, know what I'm getting sick of? The world. I mean, talk about a shitty party—everybody's dead already. Let's peel back a layer and hang out in the cool dimension—one where everybody can interact with everybody, alive or dead, real or fictional. You can even spend a few centuries skimming the various infinite fragments that make up other realities if you want!
This place's name is as above, but some people just prefer “Meta World.”
Haha, yeah, you guys fucked up hard. Maybe next time you won't dick around for so long and there'll be a few survivors. I mean, if you'd focused on the epitaph instead of the sacrifices, you could have appeased Beatrice and beaten her on her own terms.
All the kids are here, including Shannon and Kanon. Funnily enough this is the first time they've all had a proper get-together, everybody was so busy dying and stuff during the actual game. But now we can kick back, am I right?
Oh, Battler, you so wacky again now that the mystery shenanigans are over with.
I'm glad there won't be any more of that gore and tragedy stuff. The rest of this novel is gonna be fun times!
And no more big fuss over whether or not magic is real, of all things! It's pretty obvious now, right? Let's just focus on solving the riddle next time, so we can all live in harmony with the witch! Ahahahahahaha!
...Ahem.
Battler begs your fucking pardon?
...Battler, look, you had a long last two days of your life. There's a point to which perseverance is very admirable, but don't you think you're being a little silly now?
I mean, you can't explain how a human possibly could have committed all those crimes. It's pointless to consider.
Come oooonnnnnn, Battler, sure witches exist! It's not that big a deal.
Well, sure, that one's technically not physically impossible or anything...
And, I mean, yeah, you already had that theory...
Oh, come on, Battler. You can't just say the answer must exist even though you haven't gotten to it yet. I mean, I guess there's that Devil's Proof thing, but.
Hey, how about everybody shuts the hell up, wouldn't that be fun? Are you people fucking stupid or something? You can't explain something, so it's automatically a witch or something. Excuse Battler for thinking he lived in the 1980s and not the fucking Middle Ages.
Wait, wha—no! Shut up, Maria, that's completely backwards! You don't get to make that analogy it's on our side. Present all the mysteries you've got, Battler's got a theory. Kanon's death when everybody had an alibi? Kumasawa, maybe! Or... some kind of trap! No he can't explain what kind of trap, shut up. Eva and Hideyoshi? They created the closed room and killed themselves for some reason, or maybe they were faking their deaths! Whatever it is, it's got to be humanly possible. There must be an explanation. Magic is just what people too lazy to think call anything they don't understand!
Fuck you guys!
You don't want to suspect anyone, and it's a little hard to figure out, so you're taking the easy way out! You all gave up! Fuck that noise. Battler isn't that soft-willed. He wants justice. He wants an answer, a real one! “A wizard did it” is a fucking cliché for explaining things in the laziest possible way!
Shut! Up! Maria!
Battler's not caving. Not until he's thought out every possibility. He's going to solve these mysteries. Because they're mysteries, not fantasies. Period. Magic isn't real. It doesn't start being real if something fucking confuses you, you superstitious little babies.
How about some real proof? If Battler sees something that, no matter how long he thinks, no matter how hard he tries, he really can't come up with a single possible way any human being could ever conceivably do it, he'll accept that basic science doesn't work. But not before. And you know what, we all know it's never going to happen. Because we're talking about the real world, not Purgatorio or whatever. Because everything has a rational explanation, even if you can't figure it out immediately. Because these murders were tricks, not goddamn magical fairy horseshit fucking spells. Because say it with me, folks!
WITCHES! DO NOT! HAVE NEVER! AND WILL NEVER! FUCKING!EXIhey battler what if you turned around and looked behind you very quietly right now
[BGM: Organ short #600 million in C minor (now there's a title that sets the mood)]
Beatrice
Golden Witch, Endless Witch, Game Master
Specialties: Magic, Trolling
Hi, Beatrice! I was just talking about how dumb and wrong this Battler guy is can you BELIEVE him I mean goddamn.
Oh yeah I guess those guys disagreed too.
Okay, luckily enough she actually seems endeared by your absurd crazy talk about not believing in her, Battler!
S-seriously, though, don't push your luck. We're talking about the Witch of Gold here. She's a bit of a big deal.
Battler.
You understand, don't you? Magic is weakened by those who don't believe in it. She has a vested interest in proving you wrong. And she has a... somewhat idiosyncratic way of making a point...
Battler, you don't want to be her pet project.
DOESN'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME IT'S LIKE I'M YELLING INTO A COMPUTER SCREEN OR SOMETHING
Battler, if you're going to do this, you're going to need theories that aren't completely moronic.
...
ABANDON SHIP!
So, how does Beatrice say it happened...
See? Flying stakes. Magic.
...If it actualy happened that way.
Oddly enough, remurdering his aunt and uncle does not improve Battler's disposition. Does she think she can just do whatever she wants?!?
Of course she does, you idiot. She's a witch. She can do anything she wants, toy with anyone's life and revive them and kill them again just for shits and giggles, in any version of reality, and what is anybody gonna do? Not sit there and take it?
Precisely. If not believing in her is the only way Battler can lash out and hurt her at all, then he'll scream she doesn't exist until his lungs collapse.
Because she picked on his friends and family. For their sakes, Battler will never believe.
...Of course, given the way Beatrice rolls, they'll pay the price for his defiance. Shannon's fatal wounds are reappearing, too.
Do you get it now, Battler?
This is why you can't oppose Beatrice.
Because it's true. No human could possibly do what she does.
This level of cruelty is what makes a witch.
Everybody owes Battler an apology. Fuck this lady.
He can't give in. Even if he appeases her for now, it'll just mean they're all her playthings forever.
He's the only one stubborn enough to do this. To avenge the Ushiromiya family, and to free their souls, he'll fight the witch on her own terms. He'll fight for eternity if he has to.
And she'll make sure it's an eternity of torture.
Game on: Battler Ushiromiya vs. Golden Witch Beatrice!
IS MAGIC REAL?
Episode 1 ????? – Yes, There's Really a Segment of Every Episode Called ?????
In a different part of Meta World—we can think of it as kind of a VIP room, maybe—Beatrice discusses her plans to obliterate this Battler dumbass with a good friend.
Bernkastel
Witch of Miracles
Specialties: Magic, ???
Oh, it's Bernkastel. She's another very important witch. Aha. I'm just going to not make eye contact, I strongly recommend doing the same. Also let's just whisper for the rest of the scene maybe? And maybe hide under—yeah, just get down here, like that. I'd really rather not be noticed, at all.
Witches are kind of passive-aggressive to each other.
Bernkastel denies that beating Lambdadelta in a game was a big deal, but it really was. She's yet another hot shit witch, and she was undefeated before Bern rolled along. We're lucky she's not here, or this would just be even more suffocating.
Man, I can never follow witch conversations. It's all crazy metaphysicaphilosophicapsychiatrical gibberish like this, all the time.
TN: Kakera means fragment. As in alternate reality, basically They're seriously gonna do that until like EP4, but it does stop eventually.
And blah blah blah blah blahblahblahblah fuck you. God I hate witches. Why do you think I'm following this Battler cretin around with this perverse fourth wall gimmick? Just between you and me, I think he might actually stand a pretty good chance of beating Beatrice and proving witches don't exist. I should be so lucky. Sadistic megalomaniacal shrieking melodramatic morons, obsessed with one-upping each other, every last one. It's like being stuck in a reality show but everybody is the “villain” as scripted by the TV writers and they're all omnipotent and it never ends. Can you fucking imagine? Let me just stop you right there, of course you can't. Fucking witches. They're the worst. And they never shut the hell up, they've gotta be cackling on about some meaningless bullshit or other 24/7 because they think if they're bored for five minutes they'll fucking disintegrate, like “oh no boredom is the worst poison to me” because they don't have any real problems. If you ask me they should all be burned at the stake. Hey, hey, how many witches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, if it's not dark in the room somebody might not believe in them and it'll make them cry. Or how about this-three witches walk into a bar, then everybody in the bar dies and they cackle for twenty minutes before whining about being bored again. Fucking witches.
Huh? Who's she—where's she—oh uh
I think she's talking to you. You know what I have to go to the bathroom and also I may have left the oven on and I need to pick up my laundry so why don't I just let her take care of you for the rest of this I'll be right back bye guys
End of Episode 1
Man, know what I'm getting sick of? The world. I mean, talk about a shitty party—everybody's dead already. Let's peel back a layer and hang out in the cool dimension—one where everybody can interact with everybody, alive or dead, real or fictional. You can even spend a few centuries skimming the various infinite fragments that make up other realities if you want!
This place's name is as above, but some people just prefer “Meta World.”
Haha, yeah, you guys fucked up hard. Maybe next time you won't dick around for so long and there'll be a few survivors. I mean, if you'd focused on the epitaph instead of the sacrifices, you could have appeased Beatrice and beaten her on her own terms.
All the kids are here, including Shannon and Kanon. Funnily enough this is the first time they've all had a proper get-together, everybody was so busy dying and stuff during the actual game. But now we can kick back, am I right?
Oh, Battler, you so wacky again now that the mystery shenanigans are over with.
I'm glad there won't be any more of that gore and tragedy stuff. The rest of this novel is gonna be fun times!
And no more big fuss over whether or not magic is real, of all things! It's pretty obvious now, right? Let's just focus on solving the riddle next time, so we can all live in harmony with the witch! Ahahahahahaha!
...Ahem.
Battler begs your fucking pardon?
...Battler, look, you had a long last two days of your life. There's a point to which perseverance is very admirable, but don't you think you're being a little silly now?
I mean, you can't explain how a human possibly could have committed all those crimes. It's pointless to consider.
Come oooonnnnnn, Battler, sure witches exist! It's not that big a deal.
Well, sure, that one's technically not physically impossible or anything...
And, I mean, yeah, you already had that theory...
Oh, come on, Battler. You can't just say the answer must exist even though you haven't gotten to it yet. I mean, I guess there's that Devil's Proof thing, but.
Hey, how about everybody shuts the hell up, wouldn't that be fun? Are you people fucking stupid or something? You can't explain something, so it's automatically a witch or something. Excuse Battler for thinking he lived in the 1980s and not the fucking Middle Ages.
Wait, wha—no! Shut up, Maria, that's completely backwards! You don't get to make that analogy it's on our side. Present all the mysteries you've got, Battler's got a theory. Kanon's death when everybody had an alibi? Kumasawa, maybe! Or... some kind of trap! No he can't explain what kind of trap, shut up. Eva and Hideyoshi? They created the closed room and killed themselves for some reason, or maybe they were faking their deaths! Whatever it is, it's got to be humanly possible. There must be an explanation. Magic is just what people too lazy to think call anything they don't understand!
Fuck you guys!
You don't want to suspect anyone, and it's a little hard to figure out, so you're taking the easy way out! You all gave up! Fuck that noise. Battler isn't that soft-willed. He wants justice. He wants an answer, a real one! “A wizard did it” is a fucking cliché for explaining things in the laziest possible way!
Shut! Up! Maria!
Battler's not caving. Not until he's thought out every possibility. He's going to solve these mysteries. Because they're mysteries, not fantasies. Period. Magic isn't real. It doesn't start being real if something fucking confuses you, you superstitious little babies.
How about some real proof? If Battler sees something that, no matter how long he thinks, no matter how hard he tries, he really can't come up with a single possible way any human being could ever conceivably do it, he'll accept that basic science doesn't work. But not before. And you know what, we all know it's never going to happen. Because we're talking about the real world, not Purgatorio or whatever. Because everything has a rational explanation, even if you can't figure it out immediately. Because these murders were tricks, not goddamn magical fairy horseshit fucking spells. Because say it with me, folks!
WITCHES! DO NOT! HAVE NEVER! AND WILL NEVER! FUCKING!EXIhey battler what if you turned around and looked behind you very quietly right now
[BGM: Organ short #600 million in C minor (now there's a title that sets the mood)]
Beatrice
Golden Witch, Endless Witch, Game Master
Specialties: Magic, Trolling
Hi, Beatrice! I was just talking about how dumb and wrong this Battler guy is can you BELIEVE him I mean goddamn.
Oh yeah I guess those guys disagreed too.
Okay, luckily enough she actually seems endeared by your absurd crazy talk about not believing in her, Battler!
S-seriously, though, don't push your luck. We're talking about the Witch of Gold here. She's a bit of a big deal.
Battler.
You understand, don't you? Magic is weakened by those who don't believe in it. She has a vested interest in proving you wrong. And she has a... somewhat idiosyncratic way of making a point...
Battler, you don't want to be her pet project.
DOESN'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME IT'S LIKE I'M YELLING INTO A COMPUTER SCREEN OR SOMETHING
Battler, if you're going to do this, you're going to need theories that aren't completely moronic.
...
ABANDON SHIP!
So, how does Beatrice say it happened...
See? Flying stakes. Magic.
...If it actualy happened that way.
Oddly enough, remurdering his aunt and uncle does not improve Battler's disposition. Does she think she can just do whatever she wants?!?
Of course she does, you idiot. She's a witch. She can do anything she wants, toy with anyone's life and revive them and kill them again just for shits and giggles, in any version of reality, and what is anybody gonna do? Not sit there and take it?
Precisely. If not believing in her is the only way Battler can lash out and hurt her at all, then he'll scream she doesn't exist until his lungs collapse.
Because she picked on his friends and family. For their sakes, Battler will never believe.
...Of course, given the way Beatrice rolls, they'll pay the price for his defiance. Shannon's fatal wounds are reappearing, too.
Do you get it now, Battler?
This is why you can't oppose Beatrice.
Because it's true. No human could possibly do what she does.
This level of cruelty is what makes a witch.
Everybody owes Battler an apology. Fuck this lady.
He can't give in. Even if he appeases her for now, it'll just mean they're all her playthings forever.
He's the only one stubborn enough to do this. To avenge the Ushiromiya family, and to free their souls, he'll fight the witch on her own terms. He'll fight for eternity if he has to.
And she'll make sure it's an eternity of torture.
Game on: Battler Ushiromiya vs. Golden Witch Beatrice!
IS MAGIC REAL?
Episode 1 ????? – Yes, There's Really a Segment of Every Episode Called ?????
In a different part of Meta World—we can think of it as kind of a VIP room, maybe—Beatrice discusses her plans to obliterate this Battler dumbass with a good friend.
Bernkastel
Witch of Miracles
Specialties: Magic, ???
Oh, it's Bernkastel. She's another very important witch. Aha. I'm just going to not make eye contact, I strongly recommend doing the same. Also let's just whisper for the rest of the scene maybe? And maybe hide under—yeah, just get down here, like that. I'd really rather not be noticed, at all.
Witches are kind of passive-aggressive to each other.
Bernkastel denies that beating Lambdadelta in a game was a big deal, but it really was. She's yet another hot shit witch, and she was undefeated before Bern rolled along. We're lucky she's not here, or this would just be even more suffocating.
Man, I can never follow witch conversations. It's all crazy metaphysicaphilosophicapsychiatrical gibberish like this, all the time.
TN: Kakera means fragment. As in alternate reality, basically They're seriously gonna do that until like EP4, but it does stop eventually.
And blah blah blah blah blahblahblahblah fuck you. God I hate witches. Why do you think I'm following this Battler cretin around with this perverse fourth wall gimmick? Just between you and me, I think he might actually stand a pretty good chance of beating Beatrice and proving witches don't exist. I should be so lucky. Sadistic megalomaniacal shrieking melodramatic morons, obsessed with one-upping each other, every last one. It's like being stuck in a reality show but everybody is the “villain” as scripted by the TV writers and they're all omnipotent and it never ends. Can you fucking imagine? Let me just stop you right there, of course you can't. Fucking witches. They're the worst. And they never shut the hell up, they've gotta be cackling on about some meaningless bullshit or other 24/7 because they think if they're bored for five minutes they'll fucking disintegrate, like “oh no boredom is the worst poison to me” because they don't have any real problems. If you ask me they should all be burned at the stake. Hey, hey, how many witches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, if it's not dark in the room somebody might not believe in them and it'll make them cry. Or how about this-three witches walk into a bar, then everybody in the bar dies and they cackle for twenty minutes before whining about being bored again. Fucking witches.
Huh? Who's she—where's she—oh uh
I think she's talking to you. You know what I have to go to the bathroom and also I may have left the oven on and I need to pick up my laundry so why don't I just let her take care of you for the rest of this I'll be right back bye guys
End of Episode 1