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Let's Play Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Episode 1 Chapter 4
Episode 1 Chapter 4 – Family Matters
Back at the guest house, Battler, Jessica, George and Maria are catching up on the past year/six years, depending on who's talking to whom at any given time.
BATTLER I SWEAR TO GOD
Shannon's actually been working on Rokkenjima for long enough to have met Battler before. Really, despite being a servant, she was part of the whole gang every yea--
Why do I even bother.
To be fair, Battler doesn't actually run around compulsively groping women. His boob-obsessed schtick is just that, a running joke of his personality. He only really pulls it on women he knows well, who he knows will just play along and kick his ass a little.
Like Shannon, who... yeah, she... they always used to play together so surely she... is comfortable enough to... just...
ABORT ABORT ABORT
There we go. Order has been restored.
Battler remembers Shannon well enough to know that they got along well, but he didn't remember how tied her hands are when it comes to showing the family total respect. He makes a mental note not to push something like that on her, even as a joke.
A small amount of small-talk about Kanon is about all Shannon has time for, so the cousins agree to skedaddle into the mansion for food.
Genji greets them in the entrance hall. He's a quiet, stoic guy, but he's a pretty cool dude. And it's true, not that there's any visual demonstration any time soon—Battler is the spitting image of Kinzo.
On the way to the kitchen, on the first landing of the staircase, they pass yet another recent addition to Rokkenjima to catch Battler by surprise. A very large painting.
Apparently, Kinzo commissioned the portrait and hung it up two years ago.
Battler. Your hair is red. Jessica's is brighter blonde than that. Eva's and Rosa's and Maria's... you know what, just, nevermind. Everybody else's hair colors are just an out-of-universe visual quirk, but Portrait Lady is actually genuinely blonde. I can deal with that. Battler cuts to the chase and asks who this crazy broad is supposed to be.
So she's not Japanese, she's Italian. Presumably.
Battler's heard this story before. There's an old superstition that Rokkenjima is ten kinds of haunted, particularly its big, untouched forest. The witch, Beatrice, is the grandmama of the ghosts and monsters that supposedly rule the island at night. The parents and grandparents of the family told it to their respective kids—an evil witch lives deep inside the forest, so you should never go in. Just a way of keeping them from wandering into the wilderness and getting lost, obviously.
It's not just a ghost story anymore, though, not to Kinzo. He had this portrait hung because he's become utterly obsessed with her lately. It's time to go ahead to dinner, but Battler lingers just a second, staring at the painting. Between its strangely captivating quality and the accident with the shrine earlier, he's feeling a bit spooked...
But enough of that bullshit, let's eat! At the dining table, Battler takes a while to exposit on the way the seats are arranged in order of rank. It's pretty complicated and boring, though, and the only relevant information is that rank goes Kinzo->siblings->cousins->in-laws, because, as Battler muses, the family is traditionally pretty shitty to the outsiders (particularly the women) who help propagate it. Formally speaking, Maria is considered a more powerful member of the family than Natsuhi. Even Kinzo's wife, were she still alive, would come after the children for not being an Ushiromiya by birth. Kind of messed up! But anyway, feeling a little guilty, Battler takes his seat ahead of half his aunts and uncles.
Natsuhi is kind of awkward to talk to.
And everybody is starving because Kinzo and Krauss don't seem to be coming to lunch!
Elsewhere...
Kinzo's relaxing in his study, doing his own thing. His own thing, as it so often does, entails hating his family. Krauss wants him to come to lunch, but no fucking dice. Kinzo's gone to great lengths to hide himself away; the door of his study even has a special lock that the house's skeleton keys can't open, so it's more or less impossible to get in without Kinzo's permission. He just barricades himself in there day in and day out, studying creepy old grimoires of the occult and chugging absinthe.
Grandpa gets so grouchy around the holidays anymore.
Krauss Ushiromiya
Incompetent Businessman
Specialty: Boxing
Finally, we've met the whole family. Jessica's dad and Natsuhi's husband, Krauss is Kinzo's eldest child and the (presumed) successor to the headship of the family, with Jessica being his successor in turn. Aside from being born the son of a multi-billionaire, Krauss has had no manner of luck financially; the tendency of his grandiose projects to fall apart is common knowledge, and there are rumors he's an embezzler at that. His only remotely businesslike skill is a great aptitude for bullying his younger siblings, so he's not the most popular guy at the family conference every year.
Nanjo tries his hand at imploring Kinzo to show his face next. Kinzo refuses loudly again, and begins talking to himself.
There's nothing for it. Kinzo's not coming out of there, period. He won't even let anybody else in aside from Genji. They'll just have to have the conference without him. As they exit, Krauss and Nanjo finally send Genji in like the old man wants.
On Kinzo's orders, Genji fixes him a drink, which calms him down immediately.
Kinzo offers him a swig. Genji may think of himself as nothing more than a particularly dedicated butler, but he really is Kinzo's best friend. They're lifelong bros.
But not even the company of his hetero-life-partner can totally derail Kinzo's disgust with his offspring, not during the godforsaken conference.
Kinzo recovers from his rant and resolves himself to... something.
Let's just get back to lunch. Krauss breaks the news that Kinzo's not coming, and the other siblings don't seem terribly surprised or upset.
It seems he's had “three months to live” for over a year now. A classic case of being too stubborn to die. The meal begins without the head of the family, and nobody really feels like anything is missing...
Back at the guest house, Battler, Jessica, George and Maria are catching up on the past year/six years, depending on who's talking to whom at any given time.
BATTLER I SWEAR TO GOD
Shannon's actually been working on Rokkenjima for long enough to have met Battler before. Really, despite being a servant, she was part of the whole gang every yea--
Why do I even bother.
To be fair, Battler doesn't actually run around compulsively groping women. His boob-obsessed schtick is just that, a running joke of his personality. He only really pulls it on women he knows well, who he knows will just play along and kick his ass a little.
Like Shannon, who... yeah, she... they always used to play together so surely she... is comfortable enough to... just...
ABORT ABORT ABORT
There we go. Order has been restored.
Battler remembers Shannon well enough to know that they got along well, but he didn't remember how tied her hands are when it comes to showing the family total respect. He makes a mental note not to push something like that on her, even as a joke.
A small amount of small-talk about Kanon is about all Shannon has time for, so the cousins agree to skedaddle into the mansion for food.
Genji greets them in the entrance hall. He's a quiet, stoic guy, but he's a pretty cool dude. And it's true, not that there's any visual demonstration any time soon—Battler is the spitting image of Kinzo.
On the way to the kitchen, on the first landing of the staircase, they pass yet another recent addition to Rokkenjima to catch Battler by surprise. A very large painting.
Apparently, Kinzo commissioned the portrait and hung it up two years ago.
Battler. Your hair is red. Jessica's is brighter blonde than that. Eva's and Rosa's and Maria's... you know what, just, nevermind. Everybody else's hair colors are just an out-of-universe visual quirk, but Portrait Lady is actually genuinely blonde. I can deal with that. Battler cuts to the chase and asks who this crazy broad is supposed to be.
So she's not Japanese, she's Italian. Presumably.
Battler's heard this story before. There's an old superstition that Rokkenjima is ten kinds of haunted, particularly its big, untouched forest. The witch, Beatrice, is the grandmama of the ghosts and monsters that supposedly rule the island at night. The parents and grandparents of the family told it to their respective kids—an evil witch lives deep inside the forest, so you should never go in. Just a way of keeping them from wandering into the wilderness and getting lost, obviously.
It's not just a ghost story anymore, though, not to Kinzo. He had this portrait hung because he's become utterly obsessed with her lately. It's time to go ahead to dinner, but Battler lingers just a second, staring at the painting. Between its strangely captivating quality and the accident with the shrine earlier, he's feeling a bit spooked...
But enough of that bullshit, let's eat! At the dining table, Battler takes a while to exposit on the way the seats are arranged in order of rank. It's pretty complicated and boring, though, and the only relevant information is that rank goes Kinzo->siblings->cousins->in-laws, because, as Battler muses, the family is traditionally pretty shitty to the outsiders (particularly the women) who help propagate it. Formally speaking, Maria is considered a more powerful member of the family than Natsuhi. Even Kinzo's wife, were she still alive, would come after the children for not being an Ushiromiya by birth. Kind of messed up! But anyway, feeling a little guilty, Battler takes his seat ahead of half his aunts and uncles.
Natsuhi is kind of awkward to talk to.
And everybody is starving because Kinzo and Krauss don't seem to be coming to lunch!
Elsewhere...
Kinzo's relaxing in his study, doing his own thing. His own thing, as it so often does, entails hating his family. Krauss wants him to come to lunch, but no fucking dice. Kinzo's gone to great lengths to hide himself away; the door of his study even has a special lock that the house's skeleton keys can't open, so it's more or less impossible to get in without Kinzo's permission. He just barricades himself in there day in and day out, studying creepy old grimoires of the occult and chugging absinthe.
Grandpa gets so grouchy around the holidays anymore.
Krauss Ushiromiya
Incompetent Businessman
Specialty: Boxing
Finally, we've met the whole family. Jessica's dad and Natsuhi's husband, Krauss is Kinzo's eldest child and the (presumed) successor to the headship of the family, with Jessica being his successor in turn. Aside from being born the son of a multi-billionaire, Krauss has had no manner of luck financially; the tendency of his grandiose projects to fall apart is common knowledge, and there are rumors he's an embezzler at that. His only remotely businesslike skill is a great aptitude for bullying his younger siblings, so he's not the most popular guy at the family conference every year.
Nanjo tries his hand at imploring Kinzo to show his face next. Kinzo refuses loudly again, and begins talking to himself.
There's nothing for it. Kinzo's not coming out of there, period. He won't even let anybody else in aside from Genji. They'll just have to have the conference without him. As they exit, Krauss and Nanjo finally send Genji in like the old man wants.
On Kinzo's orders, Genji fixes him a drink, which calms him down immediately.
Kinzo offers him a swig. Genji may think of himself as nothing more than a particularly dedicated butler, but he really is Kinzo's best friend. They're lifelong bros.
But not even the company of his hetero-life-partner can totally derail Kinzo's disgust with his offspring, not during the godforsaken conference.
Kinzo recovers from his rant and resolves himself to... something.
Let's just get back to lunch. Krauss breaks the news that Kinzo's not coming, and the other siblings don't seem terribly surprised or upset.
It seems he's had “three months to live” for over a year now. A classic case of being too stubborn to die. The meal begins without the head of the family, and nobody really feels like anything is missing...