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Let's Play Umineko no Naku Koro ni - Episode 2 Chapter 10
Episode 2 Chapter 10 – Fight Scenes!
[BGM: Requiem]
Fuck you guys, and fuck Beatrice. OPEN THE DOOR, ASSHOLE!
There's no sound coming from the room. She must not be in.
Jessica will fucking stab you, Gohda. More sympathetic to Jessica's cause, Kanon hands Jessica his master key.
Who will Jessica hurt now? It's clear someone spent the night, but right now an angry search finds nobody in here anywhere.
A message? It's for Jessica. Probably another dignified, businesslike threat, since Beatrice is such a classy lady.
Would we use the word “angry” to describe what Jessica was like a second ago? Oh, okay, good. For her mood after reading the letter, let's go with “screaming hysterical ballistic destructive frenzy.” She begins picking up furniture (not Kanon, though, he's her favorite) and throwing it across the room and destroying it.
JESSICA SMASH PUNY WITCH! JESSICA STRONGEST THERE IS!
As soon as Gohda forcibly disarms her, she breaks down sobbing.
She lost both her parents at once this time. She's inconsolable. It triggers an asthma attack.
Kanon suggests they give her some space.
Jessica's heading to her bedroom to get medicine. Kanon won't leave her actually alone because it's dangerous, but he'll prepare the inhaler for her then wait outside her door so she can cry it out in peace.
That sure came close to being a moment.
He can't. No way. Because furniture. Furniture, okay?!?
Oh hell the fuck no.
[BGM: Organ short #600 million in C minor]
GO AWAY. And maybe stop murdering people if possible, you know, just putting that out there.
Frankly this is kind of stereotypical but whatever. Are you going away now?
Oh.
Oh balls. Jessica needs help.
[BGM: Demise_VerC]
GET YOUR STINKING PROBOSCI OFF HER YOU DAMN DIRTY BUTTERFLIES
They're so fucked. It's hopeless.
There's no way Kanon can defend himself or Jessica against Beatrice or her minions.
He's only human.
Ahem. No.
He's fucking furniture.
Kinzo's furniture vs. Beatrice's.
Let's rock.
SWORDFIGHT CLANG POW SWISH you get the idea.
Jessica seems confused. Silly girl. Didn't Kanon tell her all the time that he's furniture? You know, “furniture.” The familiar of a witch or sorceror.
Wait, did you guys not—huh. Really! I thought that was common knowledge. Humans sure are dumb.
Kanon's holding his own surprisingly well considering his opponent is an eight foot tall goat monster. MORE SWORDFIGHT SOUND EFFECTS
More clanging and wooshing and red and purple stipes.
A fatal blow?
Foolish goat. Don't you watch enough anime to understand the nonsensical physics of after-images?
Kanon wins. Wasn't so hard, was it? The deceased goat explodes back into butterflies. By the way...
All of the Goats
Demons
Specialty: Numbers
You'll be seeing more of these things. They're Beatrice's weakest and most numerous servants. The mooks. Still, they're enormous for humanoids and have strength to more than match their size, so against normal humans they're deadly beasts even with their very meager magical talent. They also like to eat. As in eat basically anything (anyone). They're goats, after all.
And Kanon just had minor difficulty trading blows with exactly one of them.
Beating a goat and going after Beatrice next is rather like crushing a beer can against your forehead and deciding that next you're going to headbutt the Eiffel Tower down.
Now she's gonna make a point of killing Jessica first, dude.
Now she's really gonna make a point of killing Jessica first.
How touching.
Why doesn't Beatrice just get some of her real furniture in here and see how Kanon matches up.
Asmodeus
Stake of Purgatory
Specialty: Lust
The seven stakes are Beatrice's favored furniture. Just this one is so far beyond the goat's level...
That it'd be dishonest to call what follows a fight.
She transforms from her humanoid form to that of the flying stake, ricochets around the room at bullet speed, and finally lunges at Kanon's back.
And, instead, hits Jessica's.
Jessica dies first. Beatrice needs a new weapon for Kanon.
Satan
Stake of Purgatory
Specialty: Wrath
Satan is just as absurdly dressed as Asmodeus, but even more powerful. She's also older; they're respectively the third and the youngest of the seven sisters, if you're curious.
In Kanon's opinion, he dies a human. But he dies all the same.
(The stakes are kind of creepers.)
ZOOM
How rude, this is a lady's bedroom.
They seem oddly contented, resting in peace side by side like this.
Beatrice won't have a bit of that.
Kanon's body disappears.
[BGM: Requiem]
Fuck you guys, and fuck Beatrice. OPEN THE DOOR, ASSHOLE!
There's no sound coming from the room. She must not be in.
Jessica will fucking stab you, Gohda. More sympathetic to Jessica's cause, Kanon hands Jessica his master key.
Who will Jessica hurt now? It's clear someone spent the night, but right now an angry search finds nobody in here anywhere.
A message? It's for Jessica. Probably another dignified, businesslike threat, since Beatrice is such a classy lady.
Would we use the word “angry” to describe what Jessica was like a second ago? Oh, okay, good. For her mood after reading the letter, let's go with “screaming hysterical ballistic destructive frenzy.” She begins picking up furniture (not Kanon, though, he's her favorite) and throwing it across the room and destroying it.
JESSICA SMASH PUNY WITCH! JESSICA STRONGEST THERE IS!
As soon as Gohda forcibly disarms her, she breaks down sobbing.
She lost both her parents at once this time. She's inconsolable. It triggers an asthma attack.
Kanon suggests they give her some space.
Jessica's heading to her bedroom to get medicine. Kanon won't leave her actually alone because it's dangerous, but he'll prepare the inhaler for her then wait outside her door so she can cry it out in peace.
That sure came close to being a moment.
He can't. No way. Because furniture. Furniture, okay?!?
Oh hell the fuck no.
[BGM: Organ short #600 million in C minor]
GO AWAY. And maybe stop murdering people if possible, you know, just putting that out there.
Frankly this is kind of stereotypical but whatever. Are you going away now?
Oh.
Oh balls. Jessica needs help.
[BGM: Demise_VerC]
GET YOUR STINKING PROBOSCI OFF HER YOU DAMN DIRTY BUTTERFLIES
They're so fucked. It's hopeless.
There's no way Kanon can defend himself or Jessica against Beatrice or her minions.
He's only human.
Ahem. No.
He's fucking furniture.
Kinzo's furniture vs. Beatrice's.
Let's rock.
SWORDFIGHT CLANG POW SWISH you get the idea.
Jessica seems confused. Silly girl. Didn't Kanon tell her all the time that he's furniture? You know, “furniture.” The familiar of a witch or sorceror.
Wait, did you guys not—huh. Really! I thought that was common knowledge. Humans sure are dumb.
Kanon's holding his own surprisingly well considering his opponent is an eight foot tall goat monster. MORE SWORDFIGHT SOUND EFFECTS
More clanging and wooshing and red and purple stipes.
A fatal blow?
Foolish goat. Don't you watch enough anime to understand the nonsensical physics of after-images?
Kanon wins. Wasn't so hard, was it? The deceased goat explodes back into butterflies. By the way...
All of the Goats
Demons
Specialty: Numbers
You'll be seeing more of these things. They're Beatrice's weakest and most numerous servants. The mooks. Still, they're enormous for humanoids and have strength to more than match their size, so against normal humans they're deadly beasts even with their very meager magical talent. They also like to eat. As in eat basically anything (anyone). They're goats, after all.
And Kanon just had minor difficulty trading blows with exactly one of them.
Beating a goat and going after Beatrice next is rather like crushing a beer can against your forehead and deciding that next you're going to headbutt the Eiffel Tower down.
Now she's gonna make a point of killing Jessica first, dude.
Now she's really gonna make a point of killing Jessica first.
How touching.
Why doesn't Beatrice just get some of her real furniture in here and see how Kanon matches up.
Asmodeus
Stake of Purgatory
Specialty: Lust
The seven stakes are Beatrice's favored furniture. Just this one is so far beyond the goat's level...
That it'd be dishonest to call what follows a fight.
She transforms from her humanoid form to that of the flying stake, ricochets around the room at bullet speed, and finally lunges at Kanon's back.
And, instead, hits Jessica's.
Jessica dies first. Beatrice needs a new weapon for Kanon.
Satan
Stake of Purgatory
Specialty: Wrath
Satan is just as absurdly dressed as Asmodeus, but even more powerful. She's also older; they're respectively the third and the youngest of the seven sisters, if you're curious.
In Kanon's opinion, he dies a human. But he dies all the same.
(The stakes are kind of creepers.)
ZOOM
How rude, this is a lady's bedroom.
They seem oddly contented, resting in peace side by side like this.
Beatrice won't have a bit of that.
Kanon's body disappears.